Micro Returns
It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to do one of these. There’s been a lot of changes lately, and a lot of thoughts bouncing around.
One of those thoughts has been small levels of gratitude. Something as simple as picking up a nickel or a penny off the ground, just recognizing those small moments and knowing when to be happy. But there was also a counterbalance to that, and it had to do with knowing when your time is up.
What I mean by that is knowing when you’re done with something. When your efforts are not going to return the investment you’re looking for, the return on investment. It’s not going to be a return. You’re at a loss. You’re not going to get that ROI. So what do you do, and when do you realize it?
Bear Market
How it came to fruition is… I decided a couple weeks ago, or months ago, that I was going to switch jobs. I knew something was off. I tried to lean into the gratitude I had, but I knew something wasn’t right. There was just a sense of gray skies ahead. Things had already started turning cloudy.
I’ve usually been able to work through that. Recently, as I’ve been saying and learning in some of the rooms I go into, owning your side of the street, making sure your side of the street is clean. I realized over the past couple of months that mine wasn’t, so I worked hard to clean it.
When I realized that still wasn’t good enough for some of the powers that be, I had to step back and ask, what is it that I am doing wrong? Then that shifted to, what is it that I am being told? Trying to understand instead of react. Trying to hear what was actually being delivered.
Eventually, I realized I was getting mixed messages. There was something unaddressed. There was an unstable footing. There was a change coming. It’s difficult to explain. It’s basically being held accountable for something that isn’t achievable, or something they don’t actually want you to achieve. The target keeps moving.
“This is what we want.” Then when you start getting there, it becomes, “No, this is really what we meant,” or “Focus here instead.” It creates uneasiness on purpose.
I realized it was happening, but I didn’t know why.
Liquidating the Position
I realized the return on investment for the time and energy I had put into this place, the thing I wanted to grow here, wasn’t coming back to me. The company itself was great, but there was a factor preventing that return from ever reaching me or rewarding me.
I understand there’s always some friction when you’re investing. Sometimes you lose, and you wait for the return. But when I realized this person was going to come into a position of authority, become my manager, become a bigger player in the organization, that was lights out for me.
There was no return coming back. It would be dictated and doled out the way he saw it, and I just wasn’t going to be a part of that.
So I started looking for work. It made sense later when I found out the person setting that precedent was moving into a position of authority. He wasn’t there yet, but he was acting like it, trying to assert authority before it was his, trying to see what I would do.
And what I would do was quit. And that’s what I did. But I didn’t quit until I had something else lined up.
Because at that point, it felt like staying in a market that was clearly heading for a crash.
Portfolio Performance
One of the positions I had applied for came back with a concern, the recruiter said the principal didn’t like to see somebody who hadn’t been at a job for four or five years at a time.
It’s important to note, I’ve been at some jobs three or four years, others eleven months, others a year and a half. There has always been a reason behind each one. Basically, the question is: when do you decide that your investment is not returning what you are putting into it?
I worked for a company who hired me to make changes. At least, they said they wanted change.
They had destroyed relationships with vendors, and they wanted those relationships repaired. Part of rebuilding that trust was financial. I had to earn their trust back, and how do you gain a vendor’s trust? You pay them on time.
We weren’t doing that. When I promised money, the money wouldn’t go out. I was called by owners of businesses who couldn’t make payroll because of the lack of promised funds, and my business integrity and personal morals were questioned. I finally said, “I can’t do this.”
The CFO would say, “Go ahead, pay them,” but the controller would redirect the money elsewhere, to people he preferred. Eventually, it became clear, they didn’t really want change.
What do you do then? You realize they don’t actually want the change they hired you for, so you move on. Why stay another two or three years just to pad time on a resume if you’re miserable and not able to perform the job you accepted?
Sometimes staying too long in an environment like that begins to feel like an abusive relationship. You know it’s damaging you emotionally and professionally, but leaving still feels difficult.
Something can start out looking one way and slowly reveal itself to be something completely different. In business, though, the consequences are tied directly to your livelihood, your reputation, and your ability to provide for yourself.
Strategic Realignment
The question becomes: when do you realize the return on investment no longer justifies what it’s costing you?
I was told I wouldn’t be pursued further for a position because of tenure concerns. And honestly, I thought, that’s great, because I really wouldn’t want to work for somebody who values tenure over experience, production, and alignment.
Maybe that’s why I’ve struggled with parts of recovery culture too. I’ve learned that simply counting days doesn’t always equal wisdom, growth, or emotional health. Sometimes people treat sobriety time like a badge or a résumé while completely ignoring the actual condition of the person underneath it.
I’ve started realizing this applies everywhere, business, relationships, friendships, recovery. Sometimes people want the idea of change more than the reality of what change actually requires. Over time, I’ve started realizing that lesson doesn’t belong to just one area of life.
If someone is hired to make changes and later realizes those changes were never truly wanted, then what are they supposed to do?
I knew the person moving into authority at my last job was not someone I wanted to work under. I had already experienced the tactics, the approach, and the unprofessionalism firsthand. It’s not worth staying in a workplace that becomes emotionally abusive.
And again, what’s the investment worth?
Recovery Position: After the Bear
It’s funny how this also ties into recovery.
When I first got sober, I was told there was one path, one structure, one way to do things. And for a while, I followed it exactly the way it was laid out for me.
But over time, I started noticing something didn’t feel right there either.
I remember hearing people talking about whether or not I was going to relapse. It almost felt like bets were being placed on failure instead of support being offered for success. And that was a hard thing to process when you were already trying to rebuild yourself.
At that point, I walked away from it completely.
Not from sobriety itself, but from the environment I had attached to it.
I realized later that what I had rejected wasn’t necessarily recovery itself, it was a toxic version of it. A version that had become rigid, judgmental, and more focused on control than actual healing. In a lot of ways, it was the same realization I had already been having for years about certain jobs and environments.
And that became another return on investment question: how much of yourself do you continue investing into an environment that is damaging the very thing it claims to support?
Eventually, I found my own way back to parts of it, fellowship, conversation, perspective, but on different terms.
I stopped looking at recovery as replacing one thing with another and started looking at it more like reinvesting into parts of yourself you forgot existed, photography, watching a sunrise, music, driving with no destination, learning how to enjoy quiet again.
Sometimes the investment isn’t about repairing damage. Sometimes it’s simply about rediscovering value.
Tides and Truth... 